Wake the Lakes “DIMWIT-ZZZ-DUM for the Day”

–Internet in our pockets makes life an open-book test.
–The first person to say the word “cool” must have been “cool” because everyone started saying it.
–Humans are the only species that pay to live!
–Christmas feels more like a deadline than a holiday.
–Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can’t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
–The banana used to be the food that most looked like a phone. Now it’s the pop tart.
–Confidence is not “they will like me,”–It’s “I’ll be fine if they don’t.”
–”With all due respect,” is the polite way of saying: “Listen here, you little BLEEP!”
–People who take naps are the real heroes, it takes courage to wake up twice in one day.
–Parents never really go on vacation. They just take care of their kids in a different place.
–When you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed…room, but less bedroom.
–One of my biggest fears is a killer saying something funny while I’m trying to play dead.
–If 666 is evil, then 25.806975801127 is the root of all evil.
–Raisins are grapes that gave up their looks for immortality.
–You can’t stand backwards on stairs.
–Being a pilot is like being a cool bus driver, but a lame astronaut.
–”A six ton monster with spikes and a giant tentacle growing out of its face,” sounds way creepier than elephants actually are.