–X (formerly known as Twitter) is great if you can’t afford therapy, and it’s also great if you don’t want to get any better.–A plateau is the highest form of flattery.–Mars is the only planet we know is completely inhabited by robots.–It takes two years to learn to speak and sixty to learn to keep…
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–No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.–Saying “super size it” at the drive-thru doesn’t work when it’s a pharmacy.–Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.–The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.–Education is important but other…
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–First and foremost, waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.–I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to best work out their problems.–When you write the letter “u” instead of spelling out “y–o–u”, what do you do with all the time you save?–Retirement is the time in…
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–The major thing group projects taught us in school was that you had to do extra work to pick up the slack of others.–Egyptian babies didn’t know that one day their Daddy would become a Mummy.–Whomever put the “S” in fastfood is marketing genius.–A stock market crash is worse than a divorce, you lose half…
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–A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.–The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.–”I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.–Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if…
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–Turning your head towards someone requires an oddly specific speed. Too fast or too slow and it’s just weird.–Before social media, all this stuff just stayed in people’s heads…where it probably belonged–No matter how old you are, an empty wrapping paper tube is still fun to bonk someone over the head with.–A 3 day break,…
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–For the holiday season, If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.–If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?–Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.–Be careful…
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–Peer pressure as an adult is seeing your neighbor mow or rake their lawn.–Monkeys just pretend to be less intelligent than humans so they can avoid paying taxes and going on a job search.–“To be old and wise, you need to first be young and stupid.”–You can’t get on the same page with someone who…
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–You know we have hit a technological wall with cell phone improvements when the only thing Apple pitches about their new phone is that it’s made of Titanium.–You can tell a lot about a person based on what part of their pants wear out first.–The game Monopoly is so realistic that only one person can…
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–Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. –You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully and lie about your age. –When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember The…
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